Sir, Your Film Is Bad: "The Master" Edition

Dear Mr. Anderson,

Your film is bad.

It is not that simply that it is long, and self-indulgent. It is not that no character elicits a shred of compassion. Neither is it simply that it lacks more than a pitiful repertoire of camera shots or lighting effects. True, these things are not helping your cause. But there is much, much more.

Your audience know who you are. You do not have to beat them around the head with a metaphor. We understand that this is a film about nothingness, where empty vessels seek to fill the gaping holes in their lives but the only people they can reach out to have nothing to contribute, and consequently, all are doomed to life in death. WE GET THIS. YOU DO NOT NEED TWO HOURS OF OUR TIME JUST TO MAKE THIS POINT.

There is nothing wrong with making a film about nothing. However, your film actually has nothing to it.

Tarkovsky's Solaris has almost no action and is filled with long segments where nothing happens. However, each one of these segments is potently different to every other one, each layered upon the other to create a tapestry that sublimes the viewer. Seinfeld has easily produced more hours of footage about nothing than even the most avant-garde Teutonic auteur, yet every minute was packed with sound and fury. Of course it signified nothing, but the very fact that it had purpose, no matter how solipsistic, allowed the viewer to experience something fleeting and powerful. Merchant Ivory has produced countless films with unspoken, unrequited romances, as yours film seems to be attempting, but their vivid characters and gentle disappointments evoked so, so much more than you could conjure. Hell, even Gus Van Sant's Elephant was a better film about nothing (pointless shower scene notwithstanding).

In conclusion: I know you are capable of fine work. Your leads are superb, but their efforts and contortions to turn this material into something, anything, led to nothing we were interested in watching (and, in the case of the final musical number, actual laughter from the audience). The underlying subject matter is fascinating, and worthy of the deepest investigation. There are many excellent films in existence, and no doubt many more to come.

But your movie is just worthless.